It was 8am. I was sitting outside at my local cafe, listening to the morning hum of conversation and the distant whir of the coffee machine.
I was deep in thought after reading a potent yet incredibly beautiful post about infidelity. A personal story that was sent to me on Instagram by a friend.
I felt a twinge in my throat. I observed my reactions. I observed my thoughts. My gaze interchanging from the ground to the sky. I was deep in visual thought and emotion. I'd lost sight of reality somewhere along the way buying into the illusion of Instagram.
How do we know what's legit in the online world? How do we know if we'll find or we've met the right person? Wouldn't it be nice to experience more certainty, trust, love, freedom and intimacy in our relationships?
Neural connections were exploding like fireworks in my mind. All the things I've learned and experienced that shaped my paradigm were being observed, questioned and challenged.
I remembered - the above post by Noah Centineo. What stood out to me about this was how central this is to EVERYTHING across the various quadrants of our lives.
When I widened my lens on this topic - this is what flowed through.
Here are 5 mindsets to navigate relationships in the modern Insta-famous world.
#1 THE "WHO WE ARE BEING IS SHAPING OUR REALITY" MINDSET
Remember: despite how open, peaceful and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you, as deeply as they’ve met themselves. - Matt Khan
Intrinsically, we can only give to others what we already have within ourselves.
A simple concept that's easy to place in our logical mind and create conversation around.
The challenge however, isn’t to be discovered in the mind.
It's in the integration and embodiment of what we “SAY” we want.
Let's explore Intimacy as an example.
I’m talking real true intimacy, vulnerability and emotional availability.
If we do not know Intimacy, how can we expect this from another?
[ Read: Intimacy by Osho ]
How can we recognise functional interdependent relationships - if we do not know interdependence?
Perhaps a result of not knowing how to resourcefully meet our core needs, we find ourselves dysfunctionally pushing in the direction of independence or codependence within a partnership.
If we have not cultivated communication and emotional availability within ourselves, or set resourceful standards and boundaries, how do we navigate a healthy relationship?
#2 THE "OPEN TO GROWTH" MINDSET
"Be humble enough to know you are far from perfect. Be confident enough to know you can achieve anything you set your mind to."
I believe we are all continual works in progress.
Fulfilment is less about what we have show.
It’s who we are waking up as every morning, and tucking into bed at night.
It’s something that no label or circumstances can take away - because it's the core of who you are. It has little to do with external goals or titles.
This holds true to the saying - Wherever you go, there you are.
Who are you when you strip back your roles, identities and lifestyle?
The key to self-mastery is understanding that we are already whole and complete as we are, yet imperfect works in progress.
#3 THE "SELF-MASTERY IS THE ULTIMATE TEST OF OUR CHARACTER" MINDSET
One can have no greater mastery than mastery of oneself. - Leonardo Da Vinci
We don’t just ‘arrive’ at becoming a master of relationships when we aren’t actively doing the work on ourselves and cultivating emotional and social intelligence to truly understand others.
Sure. We can read all the books. We can be speakers at events. We can write content.
However, if we are too busy playing in the space of DOING with our external actions and neglecting addressing these things internally within ourselves - we’re missing the point.
We miss a beautiful opportunity to really tap into our full potential and PROGRESS ourselves in this area.
It’s easy to sit back and talk about concepts of things as an outsider. It’s easy to pass judgement on others. It’s easy to blame. It's easy to defend and justify our actions.
What’s “RISKY” and tough, is getting curious on how we are truly showing up.
The part we play when things get challenging.
The part we play in the breakdown of relationships.
Here is a beautiful example of when two people who take full ownership of themselves and embody what we've discussed so far and share their experience of "consciously uncoupling".
#4 THE "ABOVE THE LINE THINKING" MINDSET
Where our focus goes, energy flows. - Tony Robbins
Let me be clear - some events that may happen are not okay. I want to validate anyone out there reading this who has been at the receiving end of infidelity or any form of trauma. The actions of another is not your burden or responsibility to carry.
Whilst we cannot control the events that happen, it is our responsibly to take ownership of how we choose to respond moving forward. Getting honest with ourselves and taking ownership of the stuff we need to face so we can truly heal and live our best life. We are worthy of giving ourselves that. Full stop.
It goes both ways. We cannot create change if we are playing at below the line thinking. This is when our focus is centered on finding excuses, reasons, blame or justifications. It's the opposite of taking ownership.
Notice yourself when you are framing things using this mindset. The more you practice this, the more it becomes a habit. Once it becomes a habit, it's also easy to observe in others.
You can use above the line thinking to set resourceful standards and boundaries for yourself. This will expand your level of awareness and help you navigate areas of breakdown to get to the breakthrough.
Cultivate this skill so you can see red flags early on and know when to walk away from doors that weren't meant for you.
[ Read my poem A High Value Woman ]
#5 THE "PERSPECTIVE THROUGH DIFFERENT LENSES" MINDSET
“WE CAN ONLY MEET PEOPLE AS DEEPLY AS WE CAN MEET OURSELVES.”
I started this blog off with: “People can only meet you, as deeply as they’ve met themselves.”
There's a different angle that I invite you to explore:
"We can only meet people as deeply as we meet ourselves."
Notice the difference. One is external. One is internal.
No right or wrong. A simple and healthy shift between perspectives to play with.
Get curious as to what angle and frame you are playing in. Whether you are coming from a space of possibility, growth and opportunity or blame, victim and justification.
You might know my ethos by now. Date yourself. Be your own soul mate so you can recognise the kind of love you deserve in someone else or your current partner. [ Read my blog post Love VS Freedom ]
As far as healthy conscious couple goals go, start with you. The essence of this blog is less about the external focus of getting what you want externally, and more about doing the work internally because our external results are a reflection of our internal state.
If you feel you need a dopamine hit going for a scroll through social media, keep an open mind. Look to those who aren't consistently posting up the fantasy and are SHOWING UP in this space. Remember that it takes work and isn't always picture perfect. Even though we can make it look that way with the content we post online.
Thanks for reading. If you're curious to dive more into WHY people do what they do, and curious to explore the primary core needs that drive our behaviours and how to spot the red flags, drop me an email: email@example.com
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Jo Kathleen Marie